A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
A Love Affair with Rejection-Revenge of Eve
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

20 thoughts on “A Love Affair with Rejection

  1. **this may be way off base, but this is how I see it
    Being rejected by ones parents is the hurt of all hurt. Whether it is blatantly obvious or more subtle, the effects will weave in and out of every aspect of ones life. Even though you may not know what happened, you will continually search for something to fill the void–for many it turns out to be things like alcohol, drugs and/or caustic relationships. It’s as though you come to believe that ‘shitty and painful love is better than not feeling loved at all’. You put up with the hurt and pain and you sacrifice yourself because all you want is for someone to acknowledge your existence. All you want is to feel wanted.
    At the same time, you are left feeling absolutely horrendous for even feeling the way that you feel about it. It carries so much shame.
    For me, the shame lies with the fact that if those who brought me into this world and were meant to love and protect me weren’t up for the task, how could I ever expect anyone else to feel differently? How would I even know if it happened?
    A puzzle cannot have only 999 pieces. I think many people have spent a lifetime trying to make it to 1000.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This comment made me cry. You hit the nail on the head with almost every single word, Kerry. My shame is that I will never be enough and the true me is “weird”. I have tried to outwardly embrace my quirkiness but inwardly I battled because it garnered attention and for me, that is awful. I will break this cycle. I refuse to have gotten sober to remain miserable. I want to make myself proud and overcoming this will be a lifetime of work but today, I am ready to do the work. I can’t go on accepting less than I deserve.

      Like

  2. I think that your entry makes a great deal of sense. Being that my father was an angry alcoholic and feeling rejected for so many years lead me to believe I wasn’t good enough. I was always seeking another’s approval in not only relationships but my career as well.
    Since my diagnosis of mental illness and being a recovering alcoholic myself, I have had to learn to forgive myself and learn how to accept myself for who I am. I have always had the attitude of “If you like me, fine. If not, fine.” However, it is ever more present in the current day more so than ever.
    I have to respect myself, and my needs and/or wants.
    I truly enjoyed reading this post. Thank you! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I just needed to step back and before I knew it, it had been forever!!! And I felt absolutely horrible. I am so diligent about reading wP daily. Basically. I’m Trying to process my goals and priorities. Whether I should just walk away from my writing endeavor completely. I decided not too do that. Good choice I think 🤔. My main goal is to manage my time and fit in things for me. My art and even my health. (I too coast on that ship 😉) but I want to prioritize my interests and no one stops me but myself. So here’s to 2019 huh!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes! I have been evaluating a lot and gosh, I’ve got some work ahead but I am willing. Don’t you dare give up on your writing! You write too good to not follow through. ❤ it is so important to take time for our hobbies. We only relate to mom things when our kids are the ages of yours, I understand.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is important to evaluate. Especially when so much change come along. Thanks. I certainly want to improve my craft I feel it is salvageable now. Lol. And It’s dumb really. My time issues. My endeavors are always supported at home but my pull to achieve this parental/homemaker perfection pulls me so hard. It’s of my own making. I am extreme busy. Buy time can be carved if I commit to it. And you make s good point. My children aren’t young forever. I hope they always need me but I will be left to my own devices when the dont. ☹️. I’m a latchkey kid so I just don’t know anything better other than I want to be better. So that is goals 2019. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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